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Thursday, November 23rd, 2006
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12:51 am - lost.eu - interesting experiment
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http://www.lost.eu/8656 - I'll be interested to see what they get to. 7 million members would be remarkable. Even more interesting would be the geographical interconnections of the final graph, but I don't know if they're interested in that.
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| Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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2:07 pm - Meme from Marnanel
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Grab the nearest book. Open the book to page 123. Find the fifth sentence. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions. Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
On the quays and in the House of the Sea-Guild he asked of ships that might be going out North or West to Enlad, Andrad, Oranéa. All answered him that no ship would be leaving Gont Port now, so near Sunreturn, and at the Sea-Guild they told him that even fishingboats were not going out through the Armed Cliffs in the untrusty weather.
They offered him dinner in the buttery there in the Sea-Guild; a wizard seldom has to ask for his dinner. - The Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula Le Guin (in a collected volume of The Earthsea Quartet).
I should perhaps point out that I had to move stuff off the top of the book to get at it, as I'm not actually actively in the process of reading it; but it was the nearest book (as it's on the bedside table and I'm lying on the bed).
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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2:13 pm - Little things
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After all these years, I still feel self-conscious buying a birthday card marked "for my boyfriend" in WHSmiths. :-)
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| Monday, November 8th, 2004
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12:00 pm - Not a good day
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Coming back to this, I seem to be at one of those low points. This is the point where my two states seem most fundamentally incompatible; I feel - maybe more than I've ever felt before - on the edge of deciding Christianity is bollocks and becoming an atheist (or at least, non-Christian). Or, if not that, of deciding the conservative Christians are right and becoming celibate. Problem is, I've no idea which. My religion and my sexuality are so ingrained in me that I can't imagine being without either; but attempting to maintain both seems increasingly unattainable. Whether this is a curve and will get better, or if it's just going to get worse until I give one of them up, I don't know.
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| Saturday, March 16th, 2002
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5:45 pm - "My fault for being an 80's throwback I suppose."
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| Sunday, March 10th, 2002
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4:03 am - Happy Queer Youth
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I like looking at pages like http://www.gsanetwork.org/highcontrast/index.html . I like seeing and reading about young people being happy with their sexuality and feeling able to express it. It makes me... there's probably a word for it... like nostalgic, but for something I never experienced.
I didn't realise I was gay until I was 18, and if I had I wouldn't have felt able to express it as openly as those kids seem to. High school students discussing issues of the gay rights movement at an age when most gay people I know weren't even able to admit they were. Seeming more comfortable with their queer identities than I think I am even now.
I don't feel oppressed as a gay person, really, but if there's one thing I regret about attitudes in the UK to homosexuality it's that it robbed me, and most other gay people I know, of my happy gay childhood.
Well, maybe it wouldn't have been. I know how real nostalgia blots out the bad bits, and I suppose fake nostalgia benefits from there not even being any bad bits to block out. But I regret that I didn't have the chance to grow up with my sexuality and explore it during adolescence, in private and in public, like my straight friends got to.
I still get strange enjoyment about publically discussing my sexuality with people, with anyone who's comfortable with it. Just because it still seems amazing to me that I can do that and not have those people think worse of me, and not have them think I'm abnormal for being gay.
Maybe some day people won't assume everyone is heterosexual and young people will feel able to admit their sexuality to themselves and others just as soon as they recognise it - looking back, I had good reason to believe I was gay from the age of 13 at the latest, but didn't want to admit it. Maybe people everywhere will be able to celebrate whatever sexuality God has given them, whatever age they are.
I don't go to gay pride events, and I don't read gay magazines, and I don't even go to LGBTA very often. I think this is because I think I've got used to my sexuality now, but at the moment I feel like I've still got a lot to learn. So maybe I will.
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| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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6:53 pm - Meme.
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I Am A: Lawful Good Elf Bard Mage
Alignment:
Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and
good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not
mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.
Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit
smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their
long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently conccern themselves
with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so,
they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.
Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play
instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in
magic a bit.
Secondary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use.
Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically
strong, their mental talents can make up for this.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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3:24 am - Something worse than having someone you miss terribly...
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...is having someone you miss terribly but realise you don't actually want to be back with. Not sure how I've achieved this, but I'm managing to still be regularly struck quite badly by a sense of how much I miss my ex-boyfriend, and simultaneously know that that getting back together with him would never really work.
Maybe I'm missing the man I thought he was. Or the man he was, but isn't any more. Or an ideal that never really was at all. I do know that being with him was as good as I thought it should be, I'm not making that up - but maybe that's because I was fooling myself that the relationship was deeper than it was.
Don't know, but it's left me mildly screwed up on whether a relationship is something I want at all. When I miss so much the last relationship I was in, but know that being back in it wouldn't work for me now, so why should I think I can get the same back from a different relationship?
Hmm. Life is screwy. Brain dump over.
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| Sunday, January 27th, 2002
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4:32 pm - Something weird
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OK, faith, right? And sexuality? Well, it's like this.
You see, sometimes people tell me that I can't be a practicing homosexual[1] and a Christian. And, sometimes, I believe them. (The only argument I generally find remotely convincing, incidentally, is that (a) sex is meant for marriage, and (b) marriage is meant of men and women - the bible seems moderately clear on both of these.) How convinced I am by these arguments varies from day to day.
Sometimes, though, I feel that I can't imagine how I became this way if God didn't make me this way. And if he made me this way, then isn't what he means for me to be in a committed relationship with another man?
But here's the weird bit. You see, you'd think that I'd have times when I'd think, "OK, I trust in God, and he says that practicing homosexuality is wrong; so I'll be celibate for the rest of my life." And there'd be times when I'd think, "The bible says this is wrong, but I know I'm gay, so f*** that, I'll become an atheist." But, you see, I don't.
There are times when my faith is strong, and my confidence in my sexuality is strong. And times when my faith is weak, and my confidence in my sexuality is weak. The times when I'm least sure of God seem to be the times when I'm least sure of myself. These aren't two parts of me that that fight - where sometimes one is stronger, sometimes the other - they seem to be mutually dependent. And that, my friends, puzzles me.
[1] FWIW, no, I'm not practicing at the moment. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be if I met the right man. I really haven't decided yet whether I want a relationship or not.
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| Saturday, December 22nd, 2001
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5:06 pm - Happy
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| Monday, November 12th, 2001
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8:36 pm - Sitting On The Stairs
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I seem to spend a lot of my time listening to other peoples' problems. Is this a ministry? I suppose someone has to do it. And I enjoy being able to, because normally I feel really useless when people need help. Recently, a lot of this has been listening to friends who've recently had people split up with them. And particularly, people who've just found out that the person who split up with them is now going out with someone else (generally someone they know).
Why have I decided to tell you about this now? Because my ex-boyfriend pulled last night. And, my God, it hurts. I didn't realise I still felt this strongly about him. I suppose it's that, until now, I could still think he was about to change his mind. That seems a bit more of a leap now. The thought of the two of them sharing our bed is also... strangely jarring.
I suppose I could get bitter and decided to hate them both, but I just can't. I can't hate my ex-bf, because I think I'm still in love with him. I can't hate his new bf - who I know quite well - because he's just a really nice guy. The fact that he succeeded where I failed isn't a good reason to dislike anyone. Nor is the fact that someone decided - probably rightly - that they'd be happier with someone else than me.
So, I'm stuck feeling crap, but far too nice to blame anyone else for it. Mmm.
(apologies for any non sequiturs in this, managed to lose it all half way through and had to retype. Means you probably get a better-written rant than usual, but maybe some missing bits.
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
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11:55 am - Death, Life and Religion
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A comment in someone else's livejournal made me think about death, and how little I've experienced it. One of my grandparents died a couple of years ago. A few older people I knew died, but never soon after I'd seen them. A student friend of mine was murdered last year: he's been in my mind recently, because his killer has just been convicted. That affected me more than anyone's death, maybe except my grandmother, but I still felt kinda disconnected - it didn't seem real. I don't know if I don't deal with death mentally - or if I've just developed a mindset in which death isn't important. Maybe a side-effect of my basic short-termism. As long as it doesn't affect what I do today, it doesn't matter.
And then thinking about death got me thinking about the-rest-of-my-life. (Stop me if you've heard this one, but...) about 2 months ago my basic vision for the rest of my life involved spending it with the man I love(d). Trouble is, he decided his vision for the future was kinda different, and split up with me. This isn't really a wah-I-want-him-back comment - I miss him a lot, but then singleness is nice too; it's more just the mindfuck of it; the basis around which I actually had planned the rest of my life, suddenly pulled out from under my feet.
So I suppose I'm a bit directionless at the moment - I'm working and enjoying it, but with no immediate vision of the future. Closest I have to this, really, is that I'd like to organise alternative youth worship. Maybe this could involve being a candidate for ministry (I feel called to a certain area of ministerial work - not sure if this counts as a vocation. It would obviously put a damper on my future love life...), or just doing it as a band member. That's all a bit unformed at the moment, but I feel that what the church is doing for young people at the moment is mostly pretty crap, and they deserve better.
Anyway, stuff to do, so I'll post this and get on with my life. Comments?
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001
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8:58 pm - LGB Group, etc.
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Hanging around the office before going off to LGB group. It's better than it was last year - a bit less blatantly a meat market. Then again, I'm told that it started like this last year, and then all the interesting people left because they felt it had served its purpose.
They have a point. I'm not entirely sure why I go - why should I feel a need to hang around with other people who just happen to be of the same sexuality as me? There are some nice people there, but then I can meet people I like at the pub. And I'm not looking to find a bf really.
Maybe I won't go, but I kinda like to know it's there. Oh, and I'm aware that if people like me don't go, that's what turns it into a meat market again. There are also people there who are really interested in getting LGB a higher profile, which it desperately needs. Must...resist...temptation...to...get...involved. Don't have time anyway.
Random this-should-be-a-good-thing-but-it's-not: found another gay Christian I know IRL. So far, so good - he goes to my church and I know him vaguely. And how do I know he's gay? Because he made advances on a straight friend of mine in his first year, which made said friend homophobic until I had a 3 hour conversation with him. Um. Not good. Oh well, there must be more :)
Oh - and it looks like I've not gone to LGB - it's a bit late now. Will probably go home and eat instead.
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| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
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4:24 am - Advent
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Hi - welcome to the first entry in my journal. If you know who I am, this journal might make more sense to you; if you don't - well, I hope you'll find it interesting anyway.
Anyway, I'm chanced - well, that's not the name on my birth certificate, but it's the one I've chosen to use here. I don't like being under a false name, but I also don't like feeling that my innermost feelings are open to people who I might not want to know those things. So, instead of hiding my feelings, I've put them into the public, but not with my own name on - call it a compromise.
I'm gay, Christian, English, in my early 20s. Maybe there's some significance in the order I put those in, but I'll leave that to any psychologists who may be reading. I write poems, sometimes songs, sometimes things that are both. I sometimes draw, but not well. I sometimes sing, but not well. I often play music, probably with more soul than competence, but it'll do. I pray, but not enough.
I think that's all I have to say for now. You'll get to know me as I post. If you do know me outside livejournal, you may find that the me you see here doesn't look the same. I hope you'll see they're both parts of me - and that if I'm ever not being me, you'll call me on it. Sorry. I try to be honest with my friends, but some masks are harder to remove than others. Just bear with me - I'm working on it.
current mood:  pensive
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chanced's journal
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